*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
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4.
5.awesome
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?