no caffeine: day 6
-can’t think straight
-3 people are dead
“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
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*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Elf cop:”We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf!
*Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Cat: Tomato Tomahto