“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*

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no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead


*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*


The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…


I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”


Elf cop:”We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf!
*Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*


The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.


This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.


BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired


[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!


Cat: Tomato Tomahto