Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Life is a suicide mission.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit