Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me