@Discourt

INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.

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@BuckyIsotope

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

@rockymomax

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

@MrsRupertPupkin

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

@nimble__nick

CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.