“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
You Might Also Like
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia