her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
6. me as a lawyer
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-