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Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while


[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*



The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.


Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”


[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!


Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?


Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.


Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s


Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you


BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.