Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
i wish we could shoplift online
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Uh oh…