Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
#TopTip
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs