Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
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Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
It’s a gift
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.