@WriterLifeCo

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

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@juliothesquare

One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho

@HatfieldAnne

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

@Playing_Dad

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

@Brianhopecomedy

*2 year old runs by screaming*

*72 ducks chasing her*

“YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD.”

@burgerkrang

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

@foxxy311

Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.

Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”

@tennisonok

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

@fro_vo

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*