SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
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When God sends confusion into the camp of your enemies
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Just teach them what you know.
“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…
The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.
*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping