don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid