Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts