Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

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HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm


*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair


Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms


Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial


A lion walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.


Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.


WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down


I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.


If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.


I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.