Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”