Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Coffee for people with no kids
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Incredible customer service.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.