[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
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That’s amazing.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
is this how new cars are made??
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.