[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?