[installing program]
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!

*30 minutes later*

Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?

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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.


It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.


Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.


Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”


why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?


[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday


Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.


Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”