@electroskippy

[installing program]
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!

*30 minutes later*

Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?

You Might Also Like

@sad_saurus

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

@KizerBillhelm

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

@williamsonnier

Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
More.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

@iLikeCatShirts

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

@mishakey

Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”