“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
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figuring out my emotional availability:
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
broke down and did it
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day