@TheCatWhisprer

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

You Might Also Like

@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

@ShanaRose21

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

@SladeWentworth

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

@Sickayduh

“Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms”

-There’s nothing I can do

“There isn’t?”

-Not until you bring in your other two arms

@BisHilarious

Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again

@Brampersandon_

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

@TheOnion

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

@jonnysun

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

@ericsshadow

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.