Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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Me trying to look natural in photos
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
what it’s like dating me:
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.