Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

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If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.


I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.


My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.


“Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms”

-There’s nothing I can do

“There isn’t?”

-Not until you bring in your other two arms


Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again


[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger


New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App


BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.


This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.