Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂