Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
#titanic
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
liiiiiiiiike
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Eat…
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus