Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

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Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…


I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.


Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.


Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no


Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.


There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.


Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively


My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with