Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”
Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.
That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.