Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
that colleague who touches your screen
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work