Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
are there any atheist mantises?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
boat question
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.