@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

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@liv_thatsme

Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*

“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”

Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.

@Social_Mime

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

@UncleDuke1969

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

@JohnMayer

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

@TweetPotato314

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

@BastardProphet

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

@Rrrrnessa

Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.

@Skoog

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

@johnbiehl

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”