@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

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@geowizzacist

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@secondofhername

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

@Matt_The_1st

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

@imdaintyaf

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

@shutupmikeginn

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

@AngryRaccoon2

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

@MrMooGert

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

@MsLisaM

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *