Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*
“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”
Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”