Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.