Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today