Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
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A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.