Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
scrabbled eggs
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
*launders Kohls cash*
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.