Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
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Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.