Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
the three branches of government
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
This is a true ally.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.