@ProudFFAalumni

Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter

*said thru a mouthful of pie*

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@RandomlyMJ

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@copymama

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

@Sarcasticsapien

This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.

@TheMichaelRock

If Daryl doesn’t get laid this season, I’m gonna have to say that this documentary is fake.

#TheWalkingDead

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names