Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter
*said thru a mouthful of pie*
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Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
If Daryl doesn’t get laid this season, I’m gonna have to say that this documentary is fake.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?
Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names