@elle91

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

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@marinhubka

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

@Addison_Peacock

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

@fsuflores

I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.

@arcadeseals

wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken

@KalvinMacleod

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

@mela_shea

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

@QwertyJones3

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.