Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want


Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever


I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.


wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken


Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.


“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.


Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.