Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?