Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Current mood: Potato
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
catch me on valentine’s day like
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”