Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.