9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership