You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I don’t get marriage
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
$3 #books
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout