@Odiegirl9

Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!

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@fakegoldegg

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

@chinchillasaur

[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@TheQuietPsycho

Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.

@AdderallMomma

I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘An End’, so that all good things must come to me.

@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

@cray_at_home_ma

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

@funnyordie

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

@thedadvocate01

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

@isabelzawtun

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80