There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
What the dentist sees
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Wait a minute
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind