Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!

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thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime


[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great


My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something


Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.


I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘An End’, so that all good things must come to me.


[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.


Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years


BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.



Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!


The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80