Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
translated into Canadian
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw