Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Feels like the fourth month in January