Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

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Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.


My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”


Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.


my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits


Before you and ya girl get married, ask her if she would leave you for Michael B. Jordan. If she says “no”, drop her cause ain’t no point in building a marriage based on lies


If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.


me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:


i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems


[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”


I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.