@BrentTerhune

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

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@stevevsninjas

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@KateWhineHall

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

@TheNYAMProject

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

@Tom_Vom

It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.

@ShesARealGenius

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

@CerebralWreck

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!

@Browtweaten

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

@tennisonok

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it