Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it