Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.