@BrentTerhune

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

You Might Also Like

@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@CaptainJerkwad

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@jctwritesstuff

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

@SufficientCharm

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

@shhrugg

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

@suziqkelley

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

@iwearaonesie

Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Piglet:
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then

@iamnotdiddy

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.