Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
You Might Also Like
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Nice try, poison.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy