She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Ugh
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.