Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Does beer think about me too?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”