Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
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This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”