Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I told my vodka about you.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?