Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’