Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.