Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.

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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?


Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.


Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:


I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.


You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.


The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.


One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment


-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.


[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael