@byrdie_num_num

Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.

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@FattMernandez

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

@DJRotaryRachel

Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.

@scrueggs

Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

@skedaddle74

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

@DothTheDoth

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

@BisHilarious

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

@bananafitz

ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.

@david8hughes

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael