We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
A wise man once said nothing.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.