Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
You Might Also Like
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
How high do the levels go?
tell em, edith-anne
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.