Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.