Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters


Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only


What sound does a cow make?
Good, a duck?
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy


I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.


*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”


Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.


Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work


LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.