@ericONEderful

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

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@lmegordon

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

@psybermonkey

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

@michaeljhudson

What sound does a cow make?
“Moooo”
Good, a duck?
“Quack”
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy

@joeljeffrey

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

@Marlebean

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

@2tickytacky

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

@CethanLeahy

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

@AGreaterMonster

LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.