Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.